My Negev

Today is special. Eighteen years ago today at about this time I was reading Psalm 23 over and over, gaining strength from its words. I was about to make the best, most awesome and frightening decision. I was about to make Jesus my Lord and become his bride. The words from David soothed my soul in verse 6 of Psalm 23, "Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." A sense of belonging, of being cherished and loved overwhelmed me. The knowledge of being forgiven and being given a new start filled me with peace. Knowing all that Jesus had done for me gave me a purpose for my life and a deep meaning. I was overjoyed.

I guess that was my parting of the red sea moment, getting into the Pacific Ocean in February to be baptized. But then the "wandering in the desert" began. God was always there to comfort me and make his presence known, but I often questioned him about his plan, "God, why can't I just be in Heaven with you? Why do I have to stay here?" It's painful to be refined, to see yourself clearly, to hurt others, to be disciplined by God himself, to feel distance from him, to be tested by him. Like Paul said, we groan until we are clothed with salvation. Deuteronomy 8 sums it up quite well, God's plan for our personal "Negev" experience:

² Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.

I learned in "my Negev" that God knows me intimately. I learned that he wants to meet my needs, but he is always training me to go to HIM to meet them. I learned that he is my true father, and that just as he faithfully led the Israelites to the promised land, he will do the same for me. I have never been let down by his discipline or his plan. Yes, following Jesus and knowing God was the best decision I ever made, and, another 18 years from now I will still be earnestly seeking him in MY NEGEV.