Diary of a Mad Christian Woman

8:30 A.M. Dear Diary, I went to an awesome marriage retreat this weekend and I was super inspired to work on being more submissive to my husband. I learned so much and I grew in my convictions as to why my husband needs my respect.  I feel so refreshed and excited to change!

8:33 A.M. Dear Diary, I went into the kitchen just minutes after writing and got into an argument with my husband about the dishes. Ugh... feeling disappointed but not giving up!

8:49 A.M. Dear Diary, I just got off the phone with my husband and ended up hanging up on him because I got my feelings hurt. I'm not feeling so confident any more about these big changes I wanted to make. What to do...

9:12 A.M. Dear Diary, I think I will try again next year.  I'm exhausted.  I need a nap.

No, this is not my actual diary, but it sure could be.  I find myself inspired about something and decide to  make changes only to become discouraged when I realized how difficult it might be or how far I am from my goal.  Yes, it makes me feel MAD (a little crazy)!  My mind and heart deeply desire to go in one direction, but my emotions take over and hijack the plane.  What's going on?  Am I indeed crazy?

No, I am not, and neither are you, if you can relate at all to my dilemma.  Paul writes in Romans 7:

¹⁴ We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 And he also writes in Galatians 5:

¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.

So, it's true then, that I can actually be at war against myself!  So what is the answer?  Well, that is why I blog, my friends.  I had the most reassuring revelation the other day.  Proverbs 2 says:

³ indeed, if you call out for insight
   and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
   and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the LORD
   and find the knowledge of God.
 ¹⁰ For wisdom will enter your heart,
   and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
¹¹ Discretion will protect you,
   and understanding will guard you.

Wow!!  I only have to ask and God himself will give me a different heart and mind.  Amazing! 
So, I sheepishly admit that I truly am working on respecting my husband more.  It seemed like the moment I seriously decided on that path, our conflicts seem to rise as well.  But this time I prayed that incredible Proverbs 2 prayer and it worked!!  I do believe that the conflicts were God's tool to show me my starting point, as if he was saying, "Precious daughter, I know you want to change and I see this time you are ready to do the work.  As painful as it might be, however, I must show you the current state of your heart so you will know the truth about yourself."  In order for me to change I must know where I am at right now.  This time I didn't let the conflicts discourage me.  I stayed steadfast in prayer and God is changing my heart and giving me vision of the "new me."  It's a journey, but I do believe he is setting me on the right path.

I leave you with a final promise; one that I hold onto and love.  In Romans 12 it says:

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

That's right, don't be a Mad Christian Woman!  But be a woman and change your mind!  The rest will follow!

Closed Doors, Open Windows

"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

I love that quote from "The Sound of Music," my favorite movie. The main character, Maria, waited all her life to be a nun. She loved God and wanted to serve him. Small problem, she just wasn't good at it, being a nun I mean. So, she was sent to widower George Von Trapp to care for his seven children. Door slammed, window opened. Eventually she went on to marry him and become the mother of his brood and they toured the world as a musical group. Inspiring story. Much better use of Maria in God's eyes.

I love her story because when the door shut on her dream she didn't waste time banging on the door. She looked for the open window, for through it she knew God would lead her to her destiny.

I too have had a CLOSED DOOR, OPEN WINDOW week. But unlike Maria, God had to shut this particular door several times. I sat by the door for years and cried. I wondered why the door was shut. I read books on how to open it. I tried to get others to open it. I found the peep hole and tried to live vicariously through those inside. I guess the window just seemed plain, small, unable to lead me to a better place. Plus, it was so high up. It would require me to reach and climb and strive to really see what was waiting outside.

This time the door slammed I only lost a day or two - a record for me. I immediately surrounded myself with amazing friends who could recognize the amazing OPPORTUNITY this closed door really was!! It wasn't a divine rejection or an invitation to try harder. No, this was a pathway to my true destiny. This time when I looked at the window it was large and beautiful, with intricate stained-glass and beveled edges. It took my breath away and I couldn't wait to open it.

Spiritually what was going on was a war between The Enemy and The Good Shepherd. One was trying to discourage me, whispering lies like, "You're not good enough," and "You're nothing." But I know better. Jesus says in John 10:5 "But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice." And in verse 10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." God's plan for me is a full life and "a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

I am "dearly loved" (Colossians 3:12)"chosen by God and precious to him (1Peter 2:4). He doesn't want me to waste away sitting by a CLOSED DOOR. He doesn't want me to doubt his plan or his love. No, when God shuts a door, he wants me to reach for that open window and climb through, for he is leading me to my destiny.

Great Expectations

Expectations, if not handled delicately, are the great stumbling stone to our happiness. Have you ever thought to yourself, "It MUST be this way," or "I bet he's going to..." or "This day is going t be just perfect!" Ugh. It seems like the thought just about has time to complete itself before something comes along to burst your bubble. Someone forgets the time or forgets the directions or forgets your birthday or forgets his wallet or just plain forgets her manners. Or, have you ever been SURE that you and your soul mate were on the same page only to find out that not only were you not on the same page, you weren't even in the same library! Assumptions, assumptions - they get us into more trouble!!

Funny, McDonald's might be a nostalgic, fun meal spontaneously, but take me there on a date and I would have to work on my attitude. Same fries, just different EXPECTATIONS. Of course, some are good and healthy (not fries, expectations). But, like a prescription, they work wonders on ourselves but wreak havoc on others. I can expect myself to love my children with all my heart, serve them, discipline them diligently, know the minutia of their hearts' needs...but expect that of others? Not fair. I can push myself to even love my spouse fully, doing my darnedest to anticipate what will encourage him and help him feel valued and loved... but even to expect the same in return gets me into trouble. In the end, the only one I can "control" is me. The only one I understand is me. I constantly find myself needing to try on others' shoes and walk awhile, or pray about the things that "ruffle my feathers." I still have to practice saying "I'm sorry," because I'm not perfect at it yet.

Granted, Paul the apostle was never married, but he gives me the key when I get stuck.

In Romans 15:7 he writes, "Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." And then in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 he says simply, "give thanks in all circumstances." For me, acceptance and being thankful gets me out of trouble every time. If I can check my emotions for a time I can usually begin to see the heart behind the matter. I stumble at many points, but as I go forward I will strive to keep all GREAT EXPECTATIONS for myself.