Diary of a Mad Christian Woman

8:30 A.M. Dear Diary, I went to an awesome marriage retreat this weekend and I was super inspired to work on being more submissive to my husband. I learned so much and I grew in my convictions as to why my husband needs my respect.  I feel so refreshed and excited to change!

8:33 A.M. Dear Diary, I went into the kitchen just minutes after writing and got into an argument with my husband about the dishes. Ugh... feeling disappointed but not giving up!

8:49 A.M. Dear Diary, I just got off the phone with my husband and ended up hanging up on him because I got my feelings hurt. I'm not feeling so confident any more about these big changes I wanted to make. What to do...

9:12 A.M. Dear Diary, I think I will try again next year.  I'm exhausted.  I need a nap.

No, this is not my actual diary, but it sure could be.  I find myself inspired about something and decide to  make changes only to become discouraged when I realized how difficult it might be or how far I am from my goal.  Yes, it makes me feel MAD (a little crazy)!  My mind and heart deeply desire to go in one direction, but my emotions take over and hijack the plane.  What's going on?  Am I indeed crazy?

No, I am not, and neither are you, if you can relate at all to my dilemma.  Paul writes in Romans 7:

¹⁴ We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

 And he also writes in Galatians 5:

¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.

So, it's true then, that I can actually be at war against myself!  So what is the answer?  Well, that is why I blog, my friends.  I had the most reassuring revelation the other day.  Proverbs 2 says:

³ indeed, if you call out for insight
   and cry aloud for understanding,
⁴ and if you look for it as for silver
   and search for it as for hidden treasure,
⁵ then you will understand the fear of the LORD
   and find the knowledge of God.
 ¹⁰ For wisdom will enter your heart,
   and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
¹¹ Discretion will protect you,
   and understanding will guard you.

Wow!!  I only have to ask and God himself will give me a different heart and mind.  Amazing! 
So, I sheepishly admit that I truly am working on respecting my husband more.  It seemed like the moment I seriously decided on that path, our conflicts seem to rise as well.  But this time I prayed that incredible Proverbs 2 prayer and it worked!!  I do believe that the conflicts were God's tool to show me my starting point, as if he was saying, "Precious daughter, I know you want to change and I see this time you are ready to do the work.  As painful as it might be, however, I must show you the current state of your heart so you will know the truth about yourself."  In order for me to change I must know where I am at right now.  This time I didn't let the conflicts discourage me.  I stayed steadfast in prayer and God is changing my heart and giving me vision of the "new me."  It's a journey, but I do believe he is setting me on the right path.

I leave you with a final promise; one that I hold onto and love.  In Romans 12 it says:

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

That's right, don't be a Mad Christian Woman!  But be a woman and change your mind!  The rest will follow!