Gratitude

In the last 5 years I have had to write more "thank you" notes than ever in my years combined. I was engaged, had wedding showers, then a wedding, then a baby boy and then another baby boy. I also turned 40 recently which brought on a new onslaught of the need to thank many.

Yes, I am old-fashioned and feel the intense need to actually sit down and pen my thoughts of gratitude, after which I snail mail and sometimes even include pictures! I just HAVE to! I truly want that person to know that their gift or gesture meant something to me and made my day. It's a good exercise for me and I like the tiny sacrifice of time I have to make to meditate on how thoughtful that person was and how special I feel having been the focus of their shopping excursion. People are busy and I am insignifigant! Someone took the time to come to my party AND buy me a gift? WOW!! Seriously, I think these actual thoughts.

(Ok, I have to say, if I have forgotten to thank you I am so sorry!)

Anyways, I was handing out two thank you notes tonight at church and on the way home I was struck by the sheer volume of thanks I have had to write and I got it: God wants me to grow in my gratitude. He wants me to stop and notice the life he has given me TEEMING WITH GOOD and RICH IN BLESSINGS. UGH UGH UGH (slap forehead) I complain and feel negative too often. I often forget to thank God and I lack gratitude for the ultimate gift, the cross. That needs to humble me so much more and produce so much more in me. If I had to sit and write God a "thank you" note every time he blessed me I would be very busy and much more grateful. If I had to ponder over every trial and see the amazing, life-giving lessons I would be filled with joy no matter what.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Sounds like a great way to live.

In the arms of God

There's something so special about a mother and her baby. There is a tender bond, a nurturing, an unconditional love and acceptance. The baby need not be able to speak intelligently nor do good deeds to be loved. Its sheer neediness and inability to survive on its own produce protective feelings and devotion in the mother. It's a beautiful plan.

I have a three month-old right now whom I am in love with. Of course I loved him from the moment I saw him, but lately the feelings in my heart are so giddy and sweet that I often laugh out loud just holding him. He is smiling and laughing at me now, and making lots of fun gurgles and "goo"s. Seriously, I am in love. Did he strive to earn it? Nope. Can he even say "thank you" or do anything for me? Nope. I just love him with all my heart and he needs me with all his being.

Jesus tells us in John 15 to remain in him, or abide in him. Literally it means to make our home in him, to dwell in him. For almost 10 months my baby made his dwelling place in my (huge) belly. And now, he continues to remain in me as he daily, hourly even, needs me desperately. He knows his place in me and he is happiest simply sitting in my arms, getting his needs met. For us, Jesus promises all of our needs will be met in God's arms, if we would only just dwell there.
If only we could let go of our schedules, pride, idols, and TVs and dwell in the arms of God - I think we would be blown away at the peace and security we would feel there. Second to Jesus, David seemed to know this intimacy with God as he expresses in the Psalms "blessed are all who seek refuge in you" (Psalm 2).

I don't know about you, but I have decided to climb up on my daddy's lap and let him love me and take care of me. I have decided to obey him and listen to him. I can't wait to see where he carries me.

Bedrock!

I am hitting bedrock. Ugh I hate bedrock. It's the hardened, rocky place in our hearts beneath all of the happy, healthy, useful soil. It's the place we rarely see unless we dig or something outside of us exposes it. But it's in there. No one is without bedrock. Unfortunately, we live in a culture that praises the casual, the comical and the conforming. Deep thinkers are often told to "lighten up" or "get out more". It's sad. So, not many people ever see or understand their bedrock.

Ok, so back to mine...

I am so fortunate to be able to stay at home and be with my boys. What a blessing! And along with that blessing is the need for me to somehow contribute to the family's finances. I have had opportunities since 1998 to work with children as teacher, nanny, volunteer and now mom. So, to then take on one or two here at home is the perfect fit for me. Or, not so perfect. It's exposing my bedrock and I don't like it. The Bible shows me that to be like Jesus is to love and become more like children. That's my bar. That and my enemies. Or people who are different or needy or "prickly". They expose my ugly hard heart. I don't care how many fun grownups think I am great - if just one child thinks I am edgy and frustrated. The fun grownups are easy to love! No test of my heart! How does the unloveable person feel around me? Do I reinforce their unloveableness or am I like Jesus who approached them and asked "What's your name?"

I know all the right things in my head but my heart has some digging to do. There are rocks in there. God was so wise in selecting my husband for me. He loves all, but especially the different, the needy and the prickly. Ugh.

Fall Thoughts

Funny thing happened at our house this year. Last winter I decided to throw some leftover gourds out for the poor scrawny squirrels in our yard. They devoured them and it gave my conscience a high five for not throwing food away. The funny thing was, this summer we started noticing some rather large leaves growing in the proximity of the gourd feast. Turns out, without any effort at all on my part, the leftover seeds from the eaten gourds had planted themselves and created an entire patch for us to enjoy. My husband, who does lawn maintenance for a living, was horrified and wanted to mow it all down, but I somehow saved our little patch and proudly harvested an entire box of mixed gourds with my 2 year old.

So, I learned a great lesson. Ecclesiastes 11:5b-6 says: "you do not understand the work of God, the maker of all things. Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening do not let your hands be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well." The lesson? God is always at work, and I am soooo not in control. He loves to surprise us with his wonders and keep us guessing and needing him. He loves to remind us that he is not a formula, a religion or a set of rules. He is alive "like the wind" Jesus says. His character never changes but he is not stuck in a book. No, he is always working and wants us to be the same. Not workaholics, but productive, creative, purposeful beings.

All that time in the cold, snowy winter I had no idea what was about to happen in my backyard, but like magic we got to see this wonderful thing grow. How winsome and childlike and playful is our God!

40 Things I've Learned Thus Far...

I just turned 40 on September 29th and for some reason it's been a really big deal. I made my family drive with me to Los Angeles so I could be in my favorite places when the big day came. I also have been able to find pictures from each year of my life and write and remember the flow of my life and some things I have learned along the way. It's been an awesome life so far, despite the harships and tragedies. In a nutshell, the following list is at least one thing I learned per year. Wow, my life could actually be half over! Gives a whole new perspective and urgency to my actions and decisions.

This list is loosely organized according to the year I probably learned it, hence the numbers before the lesson.

1. 0-1 There is life outside of the comfortable womb I am in. Although it's warm and comfy and all my needs are met, one day I must leave this and experience more. It's a necessary part of life that repeats itself over and over.

2. 1-2 My mom loves me and nurtures me. She is a safe place to run to whenever I feel afraid. She knows how to comfort me. She will be the model for what I will look for later in God.

3. 2-3 You have to watch out because sometimes other people want to take your toys.

4. 3-4 It's more fun to be outside looking at and experiencing nature and play than being inside watching TV.

5. 4-5 Change is good. It's painful and scary, but it teaches you so much and it welcomes so many new people into your life. Just make sure you have plenty of cupcakes around.

6. 5-6 It's good to keep some magic alive in your heart and believe in the unbelievable, the winsome, the impossible, the good and the beautiful.

7. 6-7 When you find out there's no Santa, put out the milk and cookies anyway.

8. 7-8 When you fall off your horse, get back up and ride.

9. 8-9 Not everyone is out for your good. Be wise and cautious with your heart, mind, soul and body.

10 9-10 Develop great relationships with your grandparents, or if they aren't available, adopt some. They are an endless supply of wisdom, love, experience and friendship.

11 10-11 Be a good and loyal friend. A good friend is like a diamond - it will last forever and it's value will always increase in time.

12 11-12 Do as much as you can to spend lots of time in nature. Make it your playground. At the same time, respect its power and fierceness.

13 12-13 Learn how to be a penpal. It's a lost art but it works your friendship muscles and keeps them strong for life.

14 13-14 Not everyone will understand you when you are different, but stay true to yourself anyway, even if you're rejected. Jesus did.

15 14-15 Our parents aren't perfect.

16 15-16 The character you develop when you're young sets the stage for your entire life.

17 16-17 Bad company corrupts good character.

18 17-18 It's good to have an open mind as long as it's guided by conviction.

19 18-19 Mourning a death is a bittersweet thing. It changes you forever.

20 19-20 There is more to life than fun, fashion, friends, food and frivolity. The soul needs richer fare.

21 20-21 Womanhood isn't based on age.

22 21-22 A relationship with God and a love for Jesus is the "missing link", the "fountain of youth" and the "end of the rainbow".

23 22-23 Puppy love is good for the soul.

24 23-24 Be creative! It keeps you alive for when you're at work creating, you are reflecting God.

25 24-25 Live your life with an open hand toward heaven: let God give what he will and let him take what he will.

26 25-26 Keep a learner's heart.

27 26-27 God disciplines his children, he doesn't bother with other people's kids.

28 27-28 Work at what you really love to do - then it doesn't feel like work.

29 28-29 Never give up on your dreams, they are from God and they lead you to your destiny.

30 29-30 When one dream runs its course, search for another. If we spend our time mourning the dream that was, we miss our path and get lost.

31 30-31 Lonliness is God's way of getting some special time with us.

32 31-32 It's ok if the whole world doesn't recognize my beauty as long as the right person does.

33 32-33 God created us all man and woman. He's all for marriage and family or else he would have created "he" "she" and "it".

34 33-34 If you desire marriage but you are still single, don't just wait around for a spouse. Rather, follow your dreams, live out your passions, become a truly loving and interesting person and a spouse will find you irresistable.

35 34-35 The only thing I need to know is how to love.

36 35-36 Our desires don't always match God's timing, but God loves to fulfill us and he is always right on time.

37 36-37 Marriage is not just a romantic excursion. It's the great refiner of our souls.

38 37-38 Motherhood is the mourning of the loss of "me" and the rejoicing of the beginning of "we".

39 38-39 Pray and sing a lot. These are God's love languages and they transcend us to another place where he resides.

40 39-40 Don't forget to call your mother if you are still fortunate enough to have her around.

The power of encouragement

It seems like whenever I truly set myself out to do good and make a difference, I face more afflictions and hardships. Yesterday was one of those days. For no reason I just felt so vulnerable, so weak, so faulty and so full of sin. I was a bad wife, a terrible mom, a rejected friend, etc etc. I even doubted my ability to love my husband, or anyone else for that matter. It was a tangible spiritual attack. I was depressed and afraid. I feared I might even hurt someone. Gosh, it was so dark.

I sit here in tears of gratitude because I made it through. I woke up so glad I didn't say anything destructive out of emotion last night to my husband. I am so glad I didn't give up on myself. But most importantly I am so grateful my husband didn't give up on me. Yes, he was a bit frustrated with me but he persevered in his love. This morning he came in and the first thing he did was kiss me and talk about last night. It gave me the courage to have a great day. It was like a kiss from God. It made me want to repent and give my all. His encouragement was what I needed to change.

I am so grateful that we get a new chance everyday!! It's a decision each day to have a great day or a terrible day. With God and his mighty word, the power of prayer, and the courage we receive from encouragement we can do anything.

What love is...

Ok so it's 11am and i have urine on my shirt and spit-up in my hair. Under any other circumstance this might make for an aweful day, but because I love my infant son I am totally joyful despite the ick.

I want to be loved like that too! Despite my ickiness and mistakes I want to be unconditionally loved, not judged and accepted. Humans fail us all the time in their love, but God does not. He IS love. He is the only unconditionaly loving being there is.

I also want to grow in loving others like this as well. I have a hard time and such high expectations! Ugh. I guess I could see the small child in my fellow man and realize we are all just trying to do our best but sometimes we make a mess an need to be loved anyway.

Friendship

Tonight I was reminded of the importance of friendship. Our women's ministry leader from church taught a lesson that just truly inspired me. Some thougths in a nutshell:

1. You need those who teach you by going ahead of you, those who support you by walking beside you, and those whom you teach by going ahead of them. Each of these friendships help us to grow and stay encouraged.

2. The level of depth and vulnerability which we reach directly equals the level of human intimacy, love and encouragement we receive.

3. Sometimes all we can do for a friend who is hurting is pray with them or for them. They are persevering and they must do that for as long as God has them doing that so they can mature. We can't stop or shorten that process.

4. We need to live lives that dramatically give. That's true imitation of Jesus.

Not all of these thougts came directly from her, but from the fellowship afterwards. Love sister time!! Can't live without it!